Welcome 2009

I've read on several blogs that people have chosen a word for 2009, one that encompasses where their hearts are and where they feel like they're going. I don't usually do such things. A single word can feel so limiting to me, so constraining and binding. But this time, there's one word that God has been speaking over and over to my heart these last few weeks, and it is what my heart wants.

So my word for 2009? Enough.

As in, I am enough, I have enough, and there is enough. As in, it's enough that I have a job when so many don't and that job doesn't usually require too much from me and offers benefits I can't find anywhere else. As in, while I'd love to be published, to be sought out for my writing and the ideas in my heart, it's enough right now that I'm writing consistently, refining my vision, realizing that I am a writer but am not only a writer. As in, Oso and I run pretty close on money every month, but we always have what we need...we have enough. As in, there's so much about my life that I wish I could change and that I'm working to change but my efforts today are enough.

"Enough" means that there's breathing space, room to be tired and stop striving, stop feeling like I should be doing more, being more, becoming more. "Enough" means it's ok that this feels like a confusing season of life, an in-between stage where I'm coming into something that I don't yet possess, but I possess it more than I used to. "Enough" means that I don't have to understand, I can run into walls in this darkness and it's ok. "Enough" means release, and peace, and sitting with friends drinking coffee instead of always balancing the checkbook and running the errands first.

I'm not a poet, but this is how "enough" came to me today.

Enough

Eyes closed,
sigh, and let it go.
My hands are clean.

So clean,
these hands,
but I've washed them anyway.

These hands.
I've scrubbed, picked, scratched
and scrubbed some more.
Like I wanted rid of them,
I've scrubbed,
like I wanted stubs intstead of fingers.
Like I could make them bigger, better
longer, stronger,
prettier,
I've scrubbed.

These hands,
the same ones I had
coming in,
the same ones I'll have
going out.

Scrubbing hurts
these hands.
They're as clean as they'll ever be.
I can
use, abuse, ruse, stew
them.
They're clean as they'll ever be.

These hands.
My hands.

Sheesh!

I'm alive over here, I promise.

I don't quite know why I've been away, except I think it has something to do with spending so much time and energy living my life that I don't have the time and energy to write about it. Right now, there's Baccalaureate to plan and Christmas to make and to celebrate and miles to run and people to love on. Over the last weeks, there have been websites to build (though the photos in the box still need some help), blogs to start and freelance jobs to apply for. I've been overcoming some of the fear of little steps that keeps me from going anywhere and learning to care for myself even when others can't care for me like I want them to.

Overall, it's been a good month, but I miss you all dearly.

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On a practical note, please do check out the website and particularly the blog. I'm hoping to chronicle my writing growth and journey over there, even as I chronicle my inner growth and journey here. I don't much love the idea of separating the two, but it seems like the best way to move things right now. FYI, there's not too much written there yet. Let me know what you think of it all.