I've read on several blogs that people have chosen a word for 2009, one that encompasses where their hearts are and where they feel like they're going. I don't usually do such things. A single word can feel so limiting to me, so constraining and binding. But this time, there's one word that God has been speaking over and over to my heart these last few weeks, and it is what my heart wants.
So my word for 2009? Enough.
As in, I am enough, I have enough, and there is enough. As in, it's enough that I have a job when so many don't and that job doesn't usually require too much from me and offers benefits I can't find anywhere else. As in, while I'd love to be published, to be sought out for my writing and the ideas in my heart, it's enough right now that I'm writing consistently, refining my vision, realizing that I am a writer but am not only a writer. As in, Oso and I run pretty close on money every month, but we always have what we need...we have enough. As in, there's so much about my life that I wish I could change and that I'm working to change but my efforts today are enough.
"Enough" means that there's breathing space, room to be tired and stop striving, stop feeling like I should be doing more, being more, becoming more. "Enough" means it's ok that this feels like a confusing season of life, an in-between stage where I'm coming into something that I don't yet possess, but I possess it more than I used to. "Enough" means that I don't have to understand, I can run into walls in this darkness and it's ok. "Enough" means release, and peace, and sitting with friends drinking coffee instead of always balancing the checkbook and running the errands first.
I'm not a poet, but this is how "enough" came to me today.
sigh, and let it go.
My hands are clean.
but I've washed them anyway.
I've scrubbed, picked, scratched
and scrubbed some more.
Like I wanted rid of them,
like I wanted stubs intstead of fingers.
Like I could make them bigger, better
the same ones I had
the same ones I'll have
They're as clean as they'll ever be.
use, abuse, ruse, stew
They're clean as they'll ever be.