I've read on several blogs that people have chosen a word for 2009, one that encompasses where their hearts are and where they feel like they're going. I don't usually do such things. A single word can feel so limiting to me, so constraining and binding. But this time, there's one word that God has been speaking over and over to my heart these last few weeks, and it is what my heart wants.
So my word for 2009? Enough.
As in, I am enough, I have enough, and there is enough. As in, it's enough that I have a job when so many don't and that job doesn't usually require too much from me and offers benefits I can't find anywhere else. As in, while I'd love to be published, to be sought out for my writing and the ideas in my heart, it's enough right now that I'm writing consistently, refining my vision, realizing that I am a writer but am not only a writer. As in, Oso and I run pretty close on money every month, but we always have what we need...we have enough. As in, there's so much about my life that I wish I could change and that I'm working to change but my efforts today are enough.
"Enough" means that there's breathing space, room to be tired and stop striving, stop feeling like I should be doing more, being more, becoming more. "Enough" means it's ok that this feels like a confusing season of life, an in-between stage where I'm coming into something that I don't yet possess, but I possess it more than I used to. "Enough" means that I don't have to understand, I can run into walls in this darkness and it's ok. "Enough" means release, and peace, and sitting with friends drinking coffee instead of always balancing the checkbook and running the errands first.
I'm not a poet, but this is how "enough" came to me today.
Enough
Eyes closed,
sigh, and let it go.
My hands are clean.
So clean,
these hands,
but I've washed them anyway.
These hands.
I've scrubbed, picked, scratched
and scrubbed some more.
Like I wanted rid of them,
I've scrubbed,
like I wanted stubs intstead of fingers.
Like I could make them bigger, better
longer, stronger,
prettier,
I've scrubbed.
These hands,
the same ones I had
coming in,
the same ones I'll have
going out.
Scrubbing hurts
these hands.
They're as clean as they'll ever be.
I can
use, abuse, ruse, stew
them.
They're clean as they'll ever be.
These hands.
My hands.
12 comments:
Hey Sarah..........2009, can you believe it? I am rocking in the New Year the same way I have rocked it in every year. I am going to bed and going to work..........yes the excitement in my life is staggering. Not just anybody could keep up with this whirlwind pace.
The whole time I was reading this blog I kept thinking about that scripture in Hebrews about the promise of entering His rest. (like that is sometimes hard)
I think you hit the target there with drawing a line and being content where you are. Somebody said something to me once, it may have been my shrink.......it is good to gave goals, but if they drive you, you never enjoy the present, the process of getting there. I thought that was really sound advice.
I am always thinking, if I had "that" i would be happy." And when "that" comes along, there is another "that" driving me.
You on the right track Sarah.
enough.
i like that. i have it, too. it is good to recognize its presence, to hold it in your hands & to see it, to turn it over and to study it.
enough.
The poem is painful to read, which I think means it's pretty darn good. The line about scrubbing to have stubs instead of fingers is particularly visceral.
I think you mean by "enough" what I often mean by "grace." You are indeed enough, my friend. I'm glad you're entering a year that embraces this truth.
I just. I just have nothing to add. Just my sighing. And an urge to embrace.
(Hey, on another note, have you considered joining High Calling Blogs? You have poetry in you, and I wouldn't be surprised if you might get featured some Friday in their "Random Acts of Poetry" column. Think on it, sweet friend...
http://highcallingblogs.com
Tammy-His rest is all that matters in the end, isn't it? Too bad it isn't easier for us to BELIEVE that.
Kirsten-I love that image. Exactly. 2009 is the year to get to know enough.
Christianne-Ahh, grace. Yes, close kin if not identical to my enough, I think. As much as I'd prefer to be more than enough, I'm learning the truth of that old quote, "enough is as good as a feast."
LL-thanks for your sighs...and your embraces. Treasures, all.
And I HAVE thought about joining High Calling Blogs...in some ways, I've never gotten around to it, in others, I'm hesitant and I don't know why. I'll hold it, though, and see what comes up.
I have poetry in me, huh? Thanks, for that.
Thank you for sharing your poem. It's beautiful.
Can I share that word with you? Last year, my theme was insignificance. Not that I'm insignificant in God's eyes, but that I wouldn't seek significance in my eyes, or in the world's.
Maybe content. Content that my writing isn't where I want it to be nor do I have as much time to be with it (although I still make time). Content though I don't know what's going on job-wise or finance-wise. Like you, we've always had our daily bread. Content that God is good and I can trust him.
Thanks, Heather. And yes, please. In fact, I invite you to share this word with me. I, too, have thought of "enough" in terms of "contentment." For me, "contentment" is somewhat poisoned by years of feeling like it means, "Being happy when I feel sad." Even though I know it doesn't mean that, "enough" feels full, somehow, while "content" still feels like I'm missing something.
Your word resonates in my mouth now, echoing in the empty spaces with its fullness--enough, enough, enough. And I am drying my hands, drying my eyes. You move me....
I was just thinking on this poem again yesterday. That's one of the marks of a good poem I guess... it stays with us.
i like your word enough and like what you have done with it - your writing is more than enough to make you a poet
LL--thanks for coming back and telling me.
Sojourner--thank you, friend. If a poet resides inside me, she resides deeply hidden from view.
Enough... Amazing how hard it can be to accept that. Hope it is still going well.
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