Waiting With Clenched Fists

"God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait."

-John Milton, On His Blindness 

I found these words a little over a year ago, when I spent the weekend with three wonderful women (Kirsten is the only one who still blogs regularly).

So much has happened since then, and yet I still find myself in this period of waiting. I see people around me being given significant tasks to do in the Kingdom of God. These people aren't very different from me: same age, same education, similar emotional and spiritual maturity levels. In fact, the only consistent difference I can find is that they are not me.

It's not that I don't see things I'd love to do, jobs that I could take and make my own and love and squeeze and call 'George.' It's that now is not that time for them.

I don't know how I know that, except I do. When I'm tempted to think that it's my own fear telling me to wait, all the doors of opportunity close. They don't slam, but they dissipate, like a morning mist as the sun rises. I can go so far, getting training and even degrees, but every step I try to take forward gets diverted. I'm left trying to grasp a handful of sand and wondering why there's nothing left in my hand when I open it.

It's frustrating. On the worst days, I ask God, "Do you want me? Am I somehow merely decorative in your Kingdom?" And all He does is smile at me. What in the world does that mean?

So I keep waiting, walking and waiting, because we have to move forward in life, through time if nothing else. One foot goes in front of the other, and I hope there's a culmination somewhere along the line.

I hope because I know Him, because even His decorations have a purpose.

Just a quick note to say . . .

I've realized that part of the reason I don't post on this blog anymore is that I'm not sure what it's about, anymore. I'm not sure what belongs here and what doesn't, or what I want to share in this space. While I'm figuring this out, I've started another blog, tracking Dave's and my journey into new convictions and therefore new actions concerning what we eat and how we get it. Check it out if that sounds interesting to you. It's not much to look at, just now, but looks can be deceiving.

(This isn't to say that I won't be posting here, just that I'm currently posting a lot more over there . . . you know, for those of you who worry that I'm going to quit blogging or something!)

Update, in no particular order

Well, it's been a while. Since I posted anything meaningful, I mean. So here are some updates, in no particular order.

1. The baby is growing. I feel her move pretty frequently and I can usually tell when she's awake and when she's asleep, because she's squirmy when she's awake! Now that I can feel her, it all seems a lot more real. Well, the baby stuff we're acquiring helps a lot, too! We don't have a name for her yet. At this point, I'm just hoping to have one for her before she's born. I had an ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and everything they could see looked good, but she was so wiggly that they couldn't get all the measurements they needed so I have another one in a couple more weeks. She's 20 weeks tomorrow, which makes her half a baby (Dave keeps saying, "Which half?")

2. Work is pretty stressful right now, though I will say that the satisfaction of seeing this new program that I've worked on for MONTHS now actually get started. Now, if only the details would smooth themselves out. For those of you who remember, it's nothing like my first semester in this job! Much, much better.

3. I'm becoming more and more interested in eating naturally and, as much as possible, locally. Living in my particular section of Los Angeles actually makes that fairly difficult. In fact, I've looked and looked for a blog of someone living here who does something similar, but I haven't had any luck! Dave and I are just at the beginning of this journey, I think . . . not doing a whole lot about it, yet, partly because there's not much we can do and partly because of our individual tirednesses, but partly because we want to make changes deliberately and fit them into our lives in a way that's sustainable, and that's even more difficult. But I think it's where we're headed.

4. Most of you know that I went to the Glen Workshop put on by Image Magazine at the end of July and beginning of August. It was quite the experience. Overall, very positive, though my tiredness made it hard for me to take advantage of everything I wanted to. But I met great people, had a critique group that really "clicked" and felt like I got some good feedback on my writing.

5. I'm not writing a whole lot, just now. Darn tiredness. I can blame the baby for that, right? But I am writing some, bits and pieces here and there. Keeping my feet wet, I guess, until I can fathom doing it with some kind of regularity again.

6. I feel like I've pretty much said goodbye to Dave for the semester. It's not that bad, but with his 40 hours of work, 3 classes, and 3-4 intense workouts every week, our time has gone from relaxed and lingering to hurried and intense. Life is a transition, I guess. And it will be worth it in the spring, when he only takes one class and can be around to learn to parent with me.

7. Speaking of Dave, his new workout routine (check out CrossFit) is helping so much! He's this close (see my fingers almost touching) to his fitness goals and so excited to finally be seeing some progress again. This brings us one step closer to his military chaplaincy goal.

Overall, I am well. Things are well. Life is full, and God is good.

No, I haven't given up blogging

I'm just tired. And busy. And more tired. And the words that used to flow for this place now come slowly and it feels like I have to pull them out of my gut letter by letter. Mostly, I think I'm tired. Growing a baby is more work than it seems it should be...not to mention growing a mama.

Check It Out!

I don't do this very often, but I've been bowled over by an artist and I have to share.

Have you heard of Nikki McClure? She does things with construction paper and an x-acto knive that I can't even begin to fathom. I bought this on a whim the other day, because it was so beautiful I couldn't fathom not getting it as soon as possible and being inspired forever.

When I got it today, I checked out some of the rest of Nikki's work and just had one word . . . wow. She even made a (and Joelle might kill me for this) BABY BOOK that I like, as well as this, which you'll just have to look at because I can't even describe it. Can we say, hello, baby shower?

I love Nikki's focus on community and and the simplicity, rhythm, and hidden beauty of daily life.

In case you're as impressed as I am, here is the homepage for Nikki's store and below are few (or maybe more than that) of my faves.

Disappear
Mama & Baby Posters
Several gorgeous posters
More beauty

Not a Mommy Blog

I keep trying to write about this baby, and I can't. I don't know why, but the words don't come. Maybe I'm just not a Mommy Blogger, or maybe this isn't a mommy blog, or maybe I'm just too darn tired from growing this little squib to string words together about what I'm thinking and feeling. So here's some completely unorganized thoughts about the baby and parenting and life in general, in no particular, coherent order.

1) We call the baby Squib (from Harry Potter . . . we're fairly sure it won't do magic), Squiblet, Osito (little bear), Little One, Littlest, Small One, The Child (or, when I'm trying to tell Dave that his baby is hungry again, "Your Child"), and The Baby. We'll come up with more conventional names once we know the gender, but that's not until August and I refuse to call our child "it" until then.

2) Pregnancy is, so far, much less fun than I had been given to understand. I'm not sick in the puking sort of way, but I've had at least 4 different infections in the last month, some of which I've never even heard of before. The immune system needs to kick it into gear, here, or I might be nuts by January. Also, my stomach doesn't like being pregnant. I don't think you want any more details on that. And I'm tired. They told me I'd be tired when I got pregnant, but I had no idea how true that would be. I think I've watched more television in the last month than in the year before that. Yuck.

3) Pregnancy is definitely a chance to trust God more. Ideally, pregnant women don't take medicine, especially during the first trimester. Um, yeah. All those infections? Required medicines to get over . . . some of which could hurt the baby. But there's not much of a choice, because the infections will amost definitely hurt the baby if I don't treat them. So I take the meds and hope for the best, but it's been hard. God knows, though, and more importantly to me, he knew before he made this baby that my body would struggle to adjust and that I'd require drugs, and he still chose life for this little one. That's what I rely on, when I swallow the pills and hope for the best. People tell me that most of parenthood is like this. Yikes.

4) Expectant mothers get sick of talking about being pregnant, or at least I do. Sure, it's important to me, and near the front of my mind much of the time, but it's not the only thing going on in my life. I'm still me, back here behind the pregnancy veil. I know people are trying to show me how much they care and how excited they are for us, and I appreciate that so much, but sometimes I feel like the rest of me is just supposed to disappear. (If you've asked me about the baby recently, please don't feel bad--I only posted this because I couldn't think of anyone who I know reads this who has made me feel that way. It's mostly when acquaintences ask, "How are you?" and mean, "How's the baby?" or people who don't usually talk to me feel like I should share all my pregnancy details with them. Um . . . no.)

5) Sarah's Pregnancy FAQ, in no particular order: No, I don't know if I'll continue working after the baby comes. Yes, I'm still exercising, though I'm careful of my heartrate. Yes, I still wear heels and eat soft cheese, salmon, tuna, and lunch meat. No, I don't have an exact due date yet. I've grown out of some of my clothes but many still fit. No, the baby will not have its own room, at least, not from the get-go. And no, the idea of making a nursery doesn't make my heart go pitter-patter. No, I don't think I want your carseat/breast pump/stroller/2-year-old toys/crib/etc., not yet. Thanks for offering, but I haven't decided what I want yet, but I know I'll keep it minimal, and I'll let you know if I want yours. Yes, I still loathe the terms "bump watch" and "preggo," though "preggers" is starting to grow on me. No, Dave and I haven't talked about parenting styles yet. I think we'll figure it out as we go along. And yes, we're going to find out whether we're having a boy or a girl, mostly for our own sanity. No, I don't really plan to do a baby book, but I do have a journal that I'll give my child someday, if he or she wants it. Yes, I realize that's strange but pregnancy journals are so cutesy they make me want to gag.

I think that's it. If I missed a question that burns at you, let me know and I'll do my best.

6) I don't have any deeper thoughts that are ready to share yet. Things come up, but I'm pondering them in my heart for a while yet. Lately, my mind seems to chug along at about 75% capacity which makes daily life liveable but deep thoughts extremely slow.

7) I don't think I mentioned this here, but I'm going to the Glen Workshop at the end of July. It's basically a combination retreat and seminar for creative types, and I'll be doing the fiction seminar. I'm excited, though I hope I have a little more energy by then. Yay!!

Grow Baby, Grow!!

*returns to gestating assiduously* (Yes, I stole that phrase. If you can tell me where from, I'll buy you coffee if we ever meet IRL.)

Without further ado . . .

. . . I'm pregnant! Sometime in the middle of January, Dave and I are going to have a wee one. Little Winfrey is about 8 weeks old and seems to be doing well. We got to see the heartbeat on ultrasound last week and it was so special!!

As for me (because that's almost always the next question), I'm doing ok. I don't have morning sickness to speak of, but I'm more tired than I had ever thought something currently less than two inches long could make me, and my immune system isn't at its best (apparently, it's not supposed to be . . . the things they never tell you about pregnancy!). That tiredness is part of why I haven't been around here much, but I wanted to share our news!