11 October 2010

Now and Forever

Today is a gift and the future isn't a given.

I've been mulling on that phrase since I thought of it sometime this week, somewhere in the midst of sending my heart to Issaquah a million times a day, praying mercy grace rest peace presence hope tears family community bread strength and more for Kirsten and James, and in the midst of holding together the million or so threads that seem to comprise my life right now.

When sleep doesn't come and the baby babbles across the monitor way too early, I remember: today is a gift and the future isn't a given. 

When I'm juggling two jobs and motherhood (which is so much more than a job), on top of being a wife and a friend, my mind turns it over: today is a gift and the future isn't a given. 

When I find myself saying goodbye, unexpectedly because time passed so much faster than I counted it, to yet more friends, more people who've wound themselves into my heartstrings, I hold the truth: today is a gift and the future isn't a given.

It's an uneasy truth in my mind, simple and beautiful, but with the ability to tear me to shreds if I let it run rampant inside. So I touch it, the spiky bits and the soft bits, and try to find a home for it in my soul, a way to bring it in and a place to bring it in to that will change without destroying. I want to hold it and make peace with it, but without fear and without anger. I want to give it a home so it doesn't have to wedge itself in someplace hurtful and hard.

As I walk with this new place in my soul, I'm thankful:

  • watching him, working harder than he's ever worked to make life work for us
  • the prospect of rest, of space for us to make some decisions and find life again
  • we're holding body and soul together in spite of . . . in spite of a lot
  • sweet Julie and her Brandon, moving out into their future
  • 18 pounds of climbing, teething, hold-me-mama bundle
  • online friends, and knowing I have proof that these relationships are real, despite what skeptics say
  • a full night's sleep
  • knowing fall is happening somewhere, even if it's not where I am
  • morning quiet, even when I have to come to work to find it
  • a growing glow of excitement about the future, uncertain though it may be
Linking with Ann today.

6 comments:

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

Today is a gift. Beautiful post!

christianne said...

This gratitude list makes me smile. And I am one of those online friends whose friendship with you is real! And we'll have Friday to show for it. :)

Today is a gift and the future is not a given ... you're right: there's something to rejoice in here, but there's also something spiky and dangerous and scary. I can feel both of those through what you write here.

The thought that washed over me several times as you shared your examples of living with this truth is that it's about staying present in the now-moment. I want to do more of that because I know that's where the most joy is found. It's where my heart can really be touched because it is encountering the real.

Farmgirl Paints said...

So pretty...so true. Love hearing your thoughts out loud.

Heather said...

Love this line: "So I touch it, the spiky bits and the soft bits, and try to find a home for it in my soul, a way to bring it in and a place to bring it in to that will change without destroying."

emily wierenga said...

i am making room in my soul for your words, sarah... such truth here. i needed this. and praying rest and joy for you amidst the threads... (love, me)

terri said...

i love what you've written here sarah. this discipline of being right where you are and holding it gratefully is something that is becoming very important to me.

and i'm with christianne...i smiled when i read the line about online friends. yes. it's real.

love you.