At the end of a day when she didn't sleep and I needed her to, tomorrow looks like a long haul. I keep reminding myself that we're all still in transition, but what to do when I need 10 minutes away from being mama and she needs her mama now, and now, and now. The pressure is on, to get us settled before her baby brother arrives and to still meet her needs and make her smile.
Little eyes, little nose, red from crying and I can't give her what she wants because neither of us know what that is. Not up, not down, not bunny or bear, not the book, nor the baby, nor the markers and paper.
It's the intangibles that get us all, even when we're small, and sometimes being offered love just isn't enough. Sometimes we all want to run away, want to bang our heads against the wall or hold our hands in front of our faces so the world can't get in anymore. Sometimes stress settles around all of our shoulders, even the smallest ones, and we can't rest for the pressure we can't see.
I didn't want her to be like me, didn't want her to absorb emotional energy like her skin is an emotion-permeable membrane, not always able to distinguish what's mine and hers and yours and someone else's. But I think she is, dear little sensitive soul, and I feel the need to be okay so she will be okay.
There's also truth, though, and when the truth is something other than okay, I want to learn to hold that for her, as I hold her and let her fall apart in my arms.
Tiny love. Not so tiny anymore, not even the tiniest in our family, but always my little love. May you find your sleep, and may we both remember that love is enough, even when it feels like it ought to be otherwise.
7 comments:
sweet sarah! really really sweet. praying for you and your little ones and the new 'stuff' in your lives. Betsy
Oh Sarah. You've all been through so much change. And it's still going on. I'm glad Mirren has a mother who can understand her. I'm praying for strength and resources for you in the coming days and months where the changes will continue to come in waves. I'm praying for sleep and lots of spaces in between things to catch your breath.
So beautiful, Sarah. Sometimes your words sweep me up and leave me breathless. This is one of those times. I hardly know how to respond, but I do know that I feel awe as I glimpse your heart in your words.
xoxo
It's the intangibles that get us all, even when we're small,
you, her, me, my boy... yes, this sensitive skin covers us. but how much closer God seems for it all, no? he, the greatest intangible of all... love you.
Ah. True at any age. Three, thirty, ninety. Sometimes I think I'm a frog, such permeable skin have I. Not always nice. But part of being this being.
I'm sorry you all are still in such a transition. I get so frustrated when neither Grace nor myself can figure out what it is that she wants. She says to open it, but if I do, she gets mad. So then I try closing it, and she gets mad. And on and on. And not getting enough sleep certainly doesn't help anyone's attitude. Praying for you all!
(Sorry I'm so behind -- just catching up on my Google reader here ...)
I have no words of my own right now -- so I will adopt Christianne's response and make it my own. Love, love, love to you and the sweet little souls you nurture.
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