19 May 2011

Time

It's a quiet morning. I wish there were more like this, where it's just me and my computer and my view of green and clouds and I can set apart a little time to think and pray and write. There's something beautiful and whole-making about these moments, something my soul craves in the stillness and silence and entire lack of other people.

I know that being a wife and a mom means that moments like this are often few and far between, and I've tried to let go of my desire for them. I've tried to give up my self, these longings for just a few still moments every day where I can consult with my soul and my God and pull some of those loose ends together. And I've tried to embrace the constant company that having a husband and children mean. After all, I don't want to be all alone in life.

And yet I still feel myself called to moments like this. I still find myself taking time alone when I can't make it, trying to sacrifice other things even when they're not things I want to sacrifice. And I begin to wonder if at least some time like this, time to wander in my thoughts, time to muse and pray and read and write where there's not much separation between all of those things, I begin to wonder if it's a need and not just a desire, a necessity and not something extra.

But I'm such a good introvert that I'll take almost any time alone that I can get. Some people hoard money and I will hoard time, if give the chance. It's my treasure, the one thing I get all dragon-toothed and scaly-winged when people try to steal. I've thought lots of different things about this over the years: that having all the time alone that I want is good and valid, that it's bad and selfish, that I ought to be with my daughter or my husband, because our time together is limited.

There's truth on all sides, I think. Many things are good in moderation and somewhat less good in excess. But the same is true the other way, too. If too much is bad for the soul, too little usually is, as well. And I think that's where I've fallen off the cart in these months since motherhood found me: in trying to give up myself, I've tried to sacrifice something essential. At least for me, not having unstructured time alone is like trying not to eat, ever again. It might be okay for a couple of days, but it will destroy me if I keep it up.


9 comments:

Heather said...

Yes, I understand this. Motherhood means sacrifices (and lots of them). I absolutely love being a mom--playing with Keegan as he discovers new things, cuddling with him during his afternoon naps (sometimes the only way he'll take an afternoon nap!), but I wonder sometimes where I went. In some ways, I've changed. I'm a mother now, after all. But in other ways, I need to find some me time to write and contemplate. This week has been particularly difficult as my husband has had dinner meetings every night.

Actually, I started working on a blog post of the very same theme, but was interrupted when Keegan woke up. ;)

Rambling Heather said...

Great post. I feel your words, oh to find that time!

Kati patrianoceu said...

This is so very honest. It's huge that you actually know that about yourself. And you're right, it's hard to find the tender balance, especially when there are just seasons in life when we can't have what we want without bulldozing others :)

Mrs. M. said...

You hoard time also? Don't despair, these moments are so precious - but you are finding the importance in them.

As a mother of a disabled child, these moments are what held me together through my days.

Thank you for sharing...

Embrace His blessings,

Mrs. M.

Joelle said...

Oh, can I ever identify! Looking ahead to marriage and children I already feel the angst of too-much-togetherness coming on. I get downright bitchy when I haven't had my time alone. Good luck with the balancing act, Sarah!

Sharon Wang said...

I've heard it said that we need time to ourselves so that we can be refreshed and come back and be a good wife and mom. But sometimes it's near impossible to get that time to ourselves. I've really wondered lately why God chose to make some things about motherhood (and pregnancy and labor and delivery) the way he did! Perhaps so we have to rely on him as we will all come to our wits end at some point. Sometimes multiple times in one day!

emily wierenga said...

hi beautiful introverted sister, i can understand, and i believe it's important for us, as mothers, to take that time, to remember who we are apart from everything else, so we can more fully give to those in our lives. so don't feel guilty. take that time... and ask God to show you how to find it each day so you feel rested and recharged. love to you.

Joybird said...

I think whole-making moments are more of a need but I can understand thoce time hoarding instincts. I have to remind myself that right now I'm strapped in cash and loaded in time.

Misty said...

sarah! you are so good to come and visit me when i've been so bad about visiting anyone else these last, horribly pregnant-brain-centered weeks. :)
and this post, oh, do i get it, too. i always share that cs lewis quote/thought-the one where he likens us to fish out of water being surprised by water or something to that effect b/cs we were meant to be eternal beings so we are constnatly surprised by the passage/tyranny of time. it's true... we hoard this time b/cs we were meant for SO MUCH TIME. but yes, this is a season. (ha! another time-related word) big big hugs... thanks for your prayers for our wee one.... and lastly, WHAT?!?!?!!? you're expecting?!?!!? i must go back and read to catch up (gah, i miss so much when i don't read!!)